Philly Sports Guide

The November guide to Philly sports for people who don’t know anything about Philly sports

Sports are great and all but following them can be difficult and time consuming. This causes a problem when you want to sound cool around your friends and act like you actually care about/watch Philadelphia sports.

Worry no longer: we’ve done the hard work for you. Here’s our November guide to Philadelphia sports for people who don’t know anything about Philadelphia sports.

Eagles

Update: The Eagles are kind of good, which for Philadelphia this year means they are our last hope for a post-season. They CANNOT ruin this! At midseason, the Eagles are 6-2 and in first place in their division, the NFC East. They just beat the Houston Texans and on Monday night will be on national TV against the mediocre Carolina Panthers. This is a big deal. If you haven’t been invited to a party yet, you should probably find new friends.

Later this month, on Thanksgiving Day, the Eagles will play the hated Dallas Cowboys in a game with implications for the division title. This is an even bigger deal. If your family hasn’t scheduled Thanksgiving dinner for a time when this game is not being played, you should probably find a new family.

What you can praise to sound smart in public: Darren Sproles’ play at midseason. Sproles is probably shorter than you or at least only a couple inches taller, at 5-8. He’s also really old for an NFL player (31) but has four touchdowns for the Eagles and is the most likely to turn a play that is going nowhere into something special.

What you can criticize: When it’s like third and two or fourth and one near the end zone and the Eagles should be about to score, coach Chip Kelly screws up a little too often. This helped lead to the team’s loss against the Arizona Cardinals two weeks ago. People made jokes about it.

What you should worry about: Recent injuries. Quarterback Nick Foles broke his collar bone and will be out for a month. Foles hasn’t been anything great, but the guy replacing him is Mark Sanchez, famous for a “butt fumble,” dating a 17-year-old as an NFL’er and helping bring the New York Jets down a couple more pegs. So good luck with that, Eagles.

Much worse is the injury to linebacker DeMeco Ryans. Coach Chip Kelly called Ryans “Mufasa” so you know he must be crazy good.

Learn something cool about a player: Jeremy Maclin, who is the team’s best wide receiver this year, was adopted by a surrogate family during high school. Basically it was a similar situation to the guy featured in “The Blind Side,” minus Sandra Bullock as a foster-type mother.

How to really impress somebody with Eagles knowledge: When Sanchez commits his first total screw-up of the game on Monday — and don’t worry, he will commit many  — reference the butt fumble. For the next month, the Eagles are in the hands of the guy who made the butt fumble.   

 

Sixers

Update: The season just started last Wednesday, but really it already ended. The Sixers are predictably 0-5 with a young roster nobody expects to be any good. Last year, at least the Sixers provided the courtesy of beating LeBron and starting the season 3-0 before falling off a cliff. If anything, Sixers games will at least make for cheap dates and good comedy.

What you can praise to sound smart in public: This is the NBA. Even for bad teams like the Sixers, cool things can still happen.

What you can criticize: The team is built for defense rather than offense. As part of the Sixers’ never-ending quest to climb back to decency, the team’s management has started from the inside. Aside from the injured Michael Carter-Williams, they’ve drafted and signed tall guys who are OK on offense but much better on defense. So the team is not only terrible, they’re boring to watch most of the time.

What you should worry about: Could the Sixers go winless? That has never come close to happening in the NBA, but on a Philadelphia Inquirer chat this Sixers fan made a pretty awesome case of how it is probably deserved:

Comment From Bobby D Keith – serious question – I believe there is a legitimate shot they Sixers will not win a single game this entire season.. Do U believe that could happen..? If U do not believe that, can U explain the scenario of how they can win any game..? Will it just be plain luck..?

Learn something cool about a player: Nerlens Noel. Noel has a flat-top. Only a few NBA players since the early 90s have had the guts to rock a hairstyle as cool as that.

How to really impress somebody with Sixers knowledge: Be the first person to start a hashtag suggesting the Sixers should tank all their games so they can win the star player of the NBA Draft. (The Sixers will either inevitably not win this top pick or inevitably ruin this top pick). It looks like Jahlil Okafor and Emmanuel Mudiay are considered the best prospects. Try these hashtags out for starters: #ChokeForOk and #LoseTodayforMudiay.

Flyers

Update: The Flyers are playing their 13th game of the season tonight, against the Florida Panthers (nobody actually knows which city the Florida Panthers play in). They are 5-5-2 and in fifth place in their division. In the NHL, this is basically gold. Nearly everyone is mediocre and nearly everyone makes the playoffs. The problem is the Flyers have been stuck in this phase of mediocrity for multiple seasons, and fans are getting sick of it. These first few weeks of the season haven’t lent much hope toward any drastic improvements.

What you can praise to sound smart in public: The Flyers have three good offensive players in Michael Raffl, Jake Voracek and Claude Giroux who play on the same line – i.e. at the same time. Together, they have combined for 39 points (points are a combo of goals and assists). Few other trios who play on the same line in the NHL can replicate that point total. The bad news? Raffi suffered a foot injury this week and will be injured for about a month.

What you can criticize: The Flyers are so tragicomic they believe the lights at Wells Fargo Center are causing problems. Over the summer, new LED lights were installed in the arena that were designed to reduce glare and conserve energy. But the Flyers don’t like them. Rather than blame mediocrity on being mediocre, goalie Steve Mason decided that too much Vitamin D was the culprit: “I don’t know the right term. It’s just a weird glow out there. With how bright it is, you think it would be clearer. It’s almost too white out there, if that makes any sense.”

Nooooooope. That doesn’t make any sense. And the white stuff is probably the ice.

Learn something cool about a player: Well, this is cool, maybe? Flyers defenseman Michael Del Zotto has been trying to use a porn star to get dates with other porn stars. He dated Lisa Ann, but she ended things after realizing Del Zotto was always asking about her friends.

How to really impress somebody with Flyers knowledge: Remember that Raffl guy who is injured? Well he probably got injured because he blocked the puck with his foot. Several other Flyers players have done the same this year and gotten hurt. Tell someone NHL players need to start wearing skate guards so this type of stuff won’t happen. Yeah man, safety first!

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