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The Liberty Bell? BORING! Independence Hall, meh: The best bad Yelp reviews of Philly landmarks

With the Pope coming to town in September and the DNC next year, Philly’s about to see a massive influx of tourists who think they can ding the Liberty Bell and become shocked when they see how small the LOVE statue is.

In our northern suburb, New York City, tourists are the worst people in the world, and Village Voice highlighted those who seem unimpressed by icons like the Statue of Liberty and Central Park. Billy Penn parsed through Philly Yelp to find the worst of the worst ones here.

The Liberty Bell

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Bo-RING! I can’t believe nobody posted that review yet. It was just sitting there like a softball. On a tee. Waiting for somebody to knock it out of Pun Park. – RJ S., of Washington, D.C.

Dear RJ,

It’s a flippin’ bell. Our bad that the wonderful historians in Philadelphia couldn’t make the bell do a little dance for you, but unfortunately the symbol of American freedom is an inanimate object.

Still not sure why there was so much security over a bell.  I attempted to read some of the displays leading up to it, but was throroughly bored.  The bell was at the end of a slightly inclined hallway and it was pretty anti-climatic.  – April O., of Denver

I’m so sorry that you were “throroughly” bored. Next time we’ll try to have less security guards surrounding the object that became a symbol of liberty in the 19th century that united Americans fighting during the Civil War and reminded them that they had once fought on the same side in order to gain independence for this new world. SORRY THE SECURITY MADE YOU FEEL AWKWARD.

Don’t waste your time…it’s broken. – Russ C., of Philadelphia

Please move.

Independence Hall

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It’s history, what can you say? You can’t argue with the value of that.

However, if you aren’t in awe of the location and idea of American politics, this place is rather meh. This is not to say that I devalue independence. I surely love it. With independence I write this review. I simply don’t think this location is that impressive relative to its historical independence.

Then again, our independence was founded on humble grounds. The courthouse and everything is so humble! Take the tours, although there is a line…. – Sam G., Philadelphia

See, it’s funny, because you seem to be arguing with the value of history. It’s rather meh? You weren’t at all impressed by being in the same room where the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WAS SIGNED? @#$%^&@#$.

It was okay. I may be biased, but I feel like any mall, especially one called Independence Mall should at least have a Talbot’s. I mean come on! – Benjamin W., Las Vegas

I think this was a joke. It was a bad one. There isn’t a Talbot’s on the Independence Mall because it’s protecting the history of this great nation. And if you think that’s just “okay,” then omg please stay in Vegas next time where you can be fascinated by light-up buildings.

LOVE Park

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If Philly is the city of brotherly love, then I am the sister of hatred.

I thought the Love Park was going to be something great. It wasn’t and the only warm feelings I got were from the blazing hot sun. I saw the park in the day and in the night and both times disappointed. I heard the fountain was really nice and when I saw it I was like, “What the hell is that?” No, no, no. The fountain at the Love Park was ugly and abrasive. Just water shooting up in the air at a nonsensical height. And the statue? It failed to make an impression on me. – Rachel W., Woodside, N.Y.

I don’t think abrasive means what you think it means, Rachel. GOD FORBID THE FOUNTAIN SHOOTS UP AT A NONSENSICAL HEIGHT! Here’s something you should consider spending money on. 

Reading Terminal Market

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Seems so fun but actually BLOWS. Lots of unique vendors who sell the same food you can get anywhere else in the city, with only 10 times the wait. There are Amish there though (or Mennonites or whatever the hell) if that gets you off. – Luke A., Boston

-___________- I am going to ignore the pretty messed up little note at the end of this, and just straight up attack you for saying you can get the food anywhere else in the city. I’m sorry, did you even go inside the Market? The produce sales alone are cheaper than most other places in the city, and the lunch choices are unparalleled. If you could please direct me to another Famous 4th Street Cookies, another DiNic’s or another Bassett’s Ice Cream, plz email. Not to mention, oh I don’t know, like a jillion other places.

The quality of the food, while not bad, is pretty much food court fare.  3 lunches from 3 different vendors and it was all just fair at best.  1 just plain disappointing package-tasting corned beef sandwich from an Amish vendor, 1 bready crab cake plate, and 1 hotdog that was worth every penny of $1.50. – Jeff O., Newport Beach, Calif.

Why in the hell would you go to Reading Terminal and order a hot dog?

Philadelphia Museum of Art

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One line equals one star. No cats allowed. No thanks. I came for general admission, not Lipchitz: Up Close. – Beth and Gus H, Philadelphia

No cats allowed? That’s why you gave the Art Museum one star? Are you pulling my chain?

Its art I know whatever but there’s nothing there to make me wanna stay the day and the exhibits are a bit boring.  I guess once you have been to the Smithsonian a few times nothing compares. – Michael D., Elmert N.J.

Lol, yeah whatever, it’s just art. Just one of the largest art museums in the country. Only like, 225,000 pieces of art in the building. Def not enough to keep your attention!

Betsy Ross House

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Let me preface this by stating that I’m a patriot – and hardly the kind who plays for a coach that looks like a hobo.

However, $3 or no $3, I’ve never been to a more boring historical site in my life. I value great female colonial accomplishments, but Betsy Ross’ house doesn’t thread my needle.

It’s tiny, it’s quite biased (so the kiddies don’t know the ill side of things), and it’s just… I don’t know. When history-buff relatives are in town, I veer them away to more fruitful sites.

I’m not saying that this should ever be paved over or anything like that, I’m just urging tourists/historians to look beyond the 10 block grid. – Jake P., PA

OMG I’m so sorry you spent three whole dollars, you patriot, you. Also, it’s tiny? What kind of a complaint is that? Sorry that our nation’s leaders in the 1800s didn’t live in bigger homes! Just stop it.

Spruce Street Harbor Park

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I’m so sorry! I know everyone is obsessed with Spruce Street Harbor Park, but I really can’t think of any reasons why I should give it more than 1 star. This 1 star is for decoration, which is nicely done.

Other than that, lying in a hammock just seems disgusting to me when I think of all the people that have used it over the past month. Also, what’s up with the lack of food trucks? I had the feeling there was hardly anything to eat or drink, given the amount of people who were there. Long lines, long long lines. For everything! – Diana H., King of Prussia

I included Spruce Street Harbor Park on this list because beer gardens are one of the coolest new things this city has to offer, and I just knew some idiots would hate on it. And alas! Diana from King of Prussia is disgusted by public hammocks. I don’t even know what to tell you, Diana. You must also be disgusted by barstools, park benches and any object that another human being has ever touched ever.

Underwhelming is an overstatement! This place sucks!!

I was just in town with a big group of friends from nyc, we were looking for a place to eat, chill out side, and enjoy the last days of summer. The description online claimed there was a beer garden, hammock garden, and restaurants. After walking MILES to find affordable parking (which was at Dave and Busters literally 15 min walk away) , we show up hungry and eager to enjoy the outdoors only to be highly disappointed by some lame excuse for a boardwalk, fake sand and only 1 freaking option for food!! Are you kidding? I refuse to believe that this is all Philly has to offer!

I m not trying to be a hater but I also didn’t like the fact that it was more of a family hang out place with tons of kids than a nice adult outdoor activity spot. – Yayne H., Manhatten, N.Y.

Dear Yayne,

You had to walk miles to find affordable parking? Yo, how’s Manhatten? Also, I know you’re “not trying to be a hater,” but if you thought Spruce Street was too family-oriented and you want somewhere for adults to hang, why don’t you just head back to your favorite place Dave and Buster’s. Bye.

(Photos courtesy of Visit Philly)

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