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A field guide to Philly Tinder: The 9 types of guys I found swiping right

Scrolling through Tinder in Philadelphia is a weird and wonderful and existential experience. As if this city isn’t unique enough, the casual sexual encounters dating app offers a microcosm of what the love scene in Philly is really like. Which is to say that the same grifters, students, beer garden douche bags and creeps you’d encounter at a happy hour in order to finally find a semi-nice guy are all waves in the sea of matches you’ve just drowned in.

Welcome to Philly Tinder. Here are nine representative samples of the guys you’ll meet here:

1. The guy who doesn’t even go here

Can we talk for a second about Steve who is swiping from more than 3,000 miles away? How do you think this works, dude? This other guy on the right wasn’t around for the weekend. He has some feelings.

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2. The guy who already has a girlfriend

And that girlfriend is Philadelphia sports. There is no shortage of dudes in this town who think their most redeeming quality is that they dedicate their lives to other dudes playing with balls on television.

But what if I’m not an Eagles fan?

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Also of note: Eric has some *remarkable* standards.

3. The beer garden douche bag

Now Dan here is clearly a beer garden douche bag. Take note of the strung-up lights. Beer garden douche bags can be generally nice individuals. You can find him on Thursdays at Frankford Hall discussing Kanye’s latest drop. But I’m not sure if beer garden douche bags actually leave their homes in the winter when it’s too cold to sit outside and hold an IPA with two hands.

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Wow! That’s a big beer! You must be really cool and approachable!

4. The guy who really wants a not basic Philly girl

Finally! A man who genuinely wants a girl who is not at all basic and is very much her own person and doesn’t follow along with the crowd. He’s really just looking for a girl who likes good music… check! And loves to go to Center City Sip — sigh.

(I took the liberty of enlarging Andrew’s bio so you could read it very closely. You’re welcome.)

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5. The guy who’s strange, but deserves props

Philly’s chock full of dudes who you would maybe never date, but definitely deserve credit for their stellar Tinder game. People like Jeff, who created this long scenario in his bio that I personally find to be true and hilarious. Or people like Roman, who literally took the time to create a split-screen Tinder pic. Outdoorsy and can clean up! Wow!

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And this guy, who at least tried very hard.

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Or Michel, who had a lot of ambition. For a few minutes.

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6. The med student

If you don’t put that you’re in med school in your Tinder bio, do you even go to med school? If you’re not wearing a lab coat in your picture, would girls even believe you’re training to be a doctor? If you don’t make an anatomy joke in the first 10 seconds of matching with someone, are you even a med student on Tinder?

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Mike the doctor man, which I know because of the stethoscope, is maybe into foot stuff.

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7. The guy who’s obsessed with Philadelphia

We get it, guys. You like this place. We like this place, too. And I’m not saying the guy on left’s name *isn’t* spelled “Phrankie.” But when you throw in the Phillies cap, it is… dubious. And the guy on the right is in front of City Hall, isn’t that nice?

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8. The guy who somehow still goes to college

I guess there’s a way that you can ensure no one under the age of 23 gets into your Tinder matches, but what’s the fun in that? You would never stumble upon Mike from Temple who likes beer and smoke (or blow?) or Pierre from Penn who likes sweaters.

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9. The creepiest guy in the world

Now, this category is last because you can find the creepiest guys in the world on Tinder in an city, town, college campus or cave. But still, they’re here, too. Like Mike, who is just looking for his good girl.

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Or this guy, whose real name is most certainly “Phuckin.”

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Thank you for letting me know ahead of time! Unlike this guy who was totally coy about who he ~ really is. ~

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For now, I’m just going to stick with my one true love. My forever match, if you will.

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