Ever get the feeling that you’re the only person in this city who doesn’t know anything about Philadelphia sports? Worry no more. Likely future mayor Jim Kenney doesn’t get sportsball either, at least according to Twitter trolls. Behold:
@JimFKenney Is that the way you’ll govern as well: piss away $ for short term satisfaction? Stop tweeting about sports…you’re clueless.
— Ed Aldridge (@ealdrid1) June 21, 2015
Perhaps Kenney should read this guide to Philadelphia sports for people who don’t know anything about sports. Then he won’t be “clueless.” This month, we cover the #LOLSixers’ goal to draft another person who won’t be able to play basketball for them, the Phillies’ nepotism and the reason why Chip Kelly is just like us regular folk.
Update: The NBA Draft is Thursday night, and the #LOLSixers have the third overall pick. If general manager Sam Hinkie bases the selection on past trends, it’s pretty simple to guess who he’ll pick. The common thread from 2013 and 2014 is that the #LOLSixers picked tall players who wouldn’t even play for them in their first season (Nerlens Noel and Joel Embiid). And some experts’ mock drafts predict the #LOLSixers will do that again this year and pick tall Latvian Kristaps Porzingis. He plays in Spain right now and might not be able to get out of his contract for a year, meaning he would be a perfect fit for Philadelphia’s plan to select players who won’t, you know, play. Philadelphia could also go with D’Angelo Russell, an Ohio State guard, if he’s still available at the third pick. But he would almost certainly play for the team next year. Hinkie does not approve!
What you can criticize: Speaking of not playing, Dario Saric, this European guy who looks pretty good in grainy highlight videos and was therefore selected by the #LOLSixers in last year’s draft, won’t play for the team next season because of contract issues with his team in Turkey. And he probably won’t play in 2016-17, either. He’ll be able to demand more money if he waits until 2017-18. The three players considered to be the team’s main building blocks are Noel, Embiid and Saric. Only Noel has played an actual game for the team.
What you can praise: The #LOLSixers will be the best-dressed losers in America since the British Army. The team unveiled new uniforms last week, and they’re retro-cool. You’ll feel like you’re in the early 80s, except for the small difference that the #LOLSixers will be losing 60 games instead of competing for titles and having Dr. J leap out of the building.
Learn something cool about a Philadelphia legend: Longtime stats man Harvey Pollack died Tuesday at the age of 93. He was the longest-tenured employee in the NBA, with his career going back to the first season of the Philadelphia Warriors in 1946! Pollack was even working earlier this season. The commissioner of the NBA released a statement on Pollack on saying, “Harvey has been a true caretaker and ambassador of the game, and he will be sorely missed.” Pollack was also the guy who wrote “100” on a piece of paper for the iconic picture of Wilt Chamberlain after his 100-point game.
Update: The Phillies’ record is a Major League baseball-worst 26-47. Thus they have outstripped the #LOLSixers for the title of being Philadelphia’s most embarrassing team. After all, we knew the #LOLSixers were gunning to be terrible; the Phillies are the worst without even trying. Oh, now fan-favorite Chase Utley is injured. So there’s that, too.
What you can praise: Perhaps knowing how bored Philadelphia baseball fans must be with their team, the universe has found a way to make the Phillies games entertaining. It started last week. The Baltimore Orioles were destroying the Phillies, and manager Ryne Sandberg figured it would be smart to save his “real” pitchers for games of consequence (whatever those will be for the Phillies) and use outfielder Jeff Francoeur as a pitcher. Francoeur didn’t allow a run in his first inning and even struck out a batter. Not bad. Then he came out for a second inning and promptly got shelled. The Phillies wanted to take him out, but the bullpen’s phone was off the hook. They had to leave him in.
On Friday, the universe sent a friendly squirrel the Phillies’ way. It leaped from 30 feet up into the Phillies’ dugout and quickly found Utley. His injury does not appear to be related to the squirrel visit.
Learn something about a Ruben Amaro Jr. relative: The Phillies drafted University of Tampa outfielder and GM Amaro Jr. nephew Andrew Amaro in the 35th round of the MLB Draft earlier this month. It was actually the second time the Phillies picked him. They nabbed him in the 47th round in 2011. So, since 2011, Amaro has picked his nephew more times (twice) than he’s made the playoffs (once).
Chip’s rental probz: Think NFL people are way above us? That they’re eating lobster stuffed with veal every night and jetsetting away to Turks and Caico on the weekends? That they have personal assistants answering their every beck and call? Not Chip Kelly. He’s just like us. He forgot when his lease ended! Yep, Kelly didn’t give notice that he was moving out of his Old City apartment that had an $11,000 per month rent. And now he owes $99,000.
And have you ever had a place with a really cool rooftop that the landlord forbids you from using? Well, that happened to poor Chippy, too. In a court filing, Kelly complained he didn’t get to go on his roof deck.
What you can praise: This offseason has been a soap opera for the Eagles, which is at least an improvement over the Phillies, who did nothing last offseason. The latest drama came after the release Evan Mathis. Kelly said Mathis had repeatedly asked to be released from the team. Mathis said that wasn’t true. This incident follows Shady McCoy saying Kelly is racist and Cary Williams saying Kelly overworked the players. So according to the players he got rid of: Kelly is a racist, a liar and a tyrant. He probably won’t be adding those guys as references on his resume.