If there has ever been an ideal week for Philadelphians to get some of their misdeeds off their chests, this is it. Pope Francis is coming. He sees EVERYTHING.
So Tuesday night at Billy Penn‘s papal beers event at the P.O.P.E., we decided to host a confessional. We let people at the bar anonymously tell us about a time that they misbehaved. Here are their best confessions:
Anger toward an old lady
Today a foreign old lady almost ran me over as I was crossing the street. Instead of accepting her multiple heartfelt old-lady apologies, I stood in the street giving her the meanest face I could muster for 20 solid seconds.
Teenage antics
I was such an asshole teenager. I worked at the family-owned amusement park during the summer and pocketed money all the time. Sorry Mom and Dad. Still love you!
Shampoo tricks
Once I peed in my horrible roommate’s shampoo. Sorry! I was drunk, and you suck.
Fire probz
During Christmas Eve mass when I was 10, I was in choir. Processing into church with candles, I sped up to catch up in line and lit the hair of the girl in front of me on fire. I quickly put it out with my hand. No one ever knew.
Poor dogs
Sometimes I get blackout drunk and pee in random places in my house…then blame it on the dogs.
A terrible gift
One time in eighth grade at confession before Christmas, my dad asked why he saw the priest cracking up while I was confessing. I told him that I filled up my sister’s used Bath and Body Works spray with water and gave it to my girlfriend as a gift.
More fire probz
During a fire extinguisher fight (Ed.’s note: WTF?!) in a crowded nine-story hotel down the Shore I set off the fire alarm and had the hotel evacuated while I drank a beer in the lobby. I was 34 at the time.
The worst cookies ever
In high school, we used to have team dinners for cross country. People were supposed to bring desserts. So one time a few friends and I bought dog treats that looked like cookies. We watched people eat them and complain that they were too dry. We didn’t say a word.
Nightmares
Once I dreamt my sister died. I was super sad, though.
Aggressive biking
While biking to the P.O.P.E., I taunted an angry driver honking by biking slowly in the middle of the street just to piss him off. I should have just let him pass instead of giving him the finger and saying “fuck you.”
Bad P.O.P.E. restaurant behavior
I was very very mean to the waitress!
Apparently David Cameron is in Philly to see the pope
When I was in college, I stuck my junk in a dead pig’s mouth. -David C.
