Bumble is a dating app for people who are exactly 1 percent more mature than people who use Tinder.
The yellow-ish, swipe-based dating app has exploded in popularity in Philly and elsewhere, and women are especially drawn to the app for a simple reason: Men aren’t allowed to message women first. Hooray for avoiding the guy who will open with “you’re just like my little toe because I’m going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.”
So in a sequel to my field guide to the nine types of guys I found on Tinder in Philly, I hopped on Bumble to test the waters. Here’s the overall consensus: Profiles created by guys to draw in women to message them are hilarious and impressive. But the conversation? Nowhere near as horrible (and quite frankly, misogynistic) as Tinder can get.
But I still found an excellent cohort of types of guys to share. Here are some of the Philly dudes you might encounter on Bumble (with their faces blurred, of course):
1. The guy who uses his dog
Because Bumble forces women to start conversations with men whom they match with, the app is all about guys really putting in a whole lot of work to get a stranger to message them. For many, that just means getting a cute dog/ puppy/ cat/ baby kangaroo in one of your photos. It’s kinda cheap.
But (gah) I would say it works about 80 percent of the time. WHO’S A GOOD BOY.
This dude below even put his dog’s name, [redacted], in his bio. (We wanted to keep the dog’s identifying information out of this as to not publicize the dog’s clearly unwanted involvement in these endeavors.)
2. The guy who brags about his job too much
I like guys with jobs as much as the next girl. But bragging about how much money you make or coming across as someone who’s work-addicted is uncomfortable. I’m lookin’ at you, finance bros. Also this guy below whose photo was him drinking wine with his parents (?) and his profile notes that if he’s busy, he’s probably “working on an app” he’s created. OK.
3. The guy whose profile is just weird life advice
This was one of the most common bios I came across on Bumble: Guys who think their bio is supposed to be their Myspace copied and pasted. Think Dashboard Confessional lyrics mixed with the Bible.
Exhibit A: This guy, who wants all women on Bumble to know that there are “7 billion people on this planet. If you were to take 1 second out of your life to meet every single person, it’d take 200 years.” Should I tell him what the life expectancy is, or nah?
Then there are guys like this one, who think their sage advice is so necessary that they put things in their bio like: “When was the last time you did something for the first time?” He did not think my response was funny. Sigh.
And this one is my personal favorite: “Worrying is like a rocking chair… it gives you something to do but you don’t get anywhere.” But like, if I wanted to get somewhere, wouldn’t I just go somewhere and not just go sit in a fucking rocking chair?
4. The guy who points out the obvious
So I’m glad guys are honest and up-front with things they think some women might be turned off by. Weed ’em out. But this guy went the extra mile to put in his bio “I smoke” with the little leaf emoji. Did he think that I didn’t understand that from the — not one, but — TWO photos of him smoking a blunt?
(Also can we talk about “Life is short. Don’t be a dicc. 6′ no kids.”)
And then there’s this guy, who points out in his profile that he is basically a man-child by writing: “I ride little kids bikes, live off of candy, and will be in college forever.” Thanks for the heads up!
5. The guy who’s shirtless in his photos
He’s creepy. Every. Damn. Time. I even tried talking to this one! Creepy.
And though this guy was also shirtless, I do appreciate the “will write for food” hustle and generally less creepy profile.
Almost as bad as shirtless dude though is “dude who is working out” in his Bumble photo. Here’s something I’ve always wondered: Who takes these?
6. The guy with the very bad jokes
“Are you a beaver? Cause dam!” -_______________-
7. The guy who may have a bloated sense of self-worth
This guy says: “If you’re into someone who’ll treat you like shit and disrespect you, do us a favor and swipe left. I’m done playing childish games and know my value as a man.” OK! Sorry to bother you, sir! “Peace and love always.”
Or this guy, who doesn’t feel the “need to sell myself.” In the meantime, he’ll be “ripping it top down giving zero fucks.” Should I… know what that means?
8. The guy with the just plain awkward profile
Got enough emoji in there, buddy? He literally incorporated a cardboard box emoji into his Bumble profile. Impressive, that’s like 12 screens deep.
Or this dude, who wants everyone in the dating scene in Philadelphia to know that he is into “semi extreme shit,” as opposed to entirely extreme shit. This shit is only about… halfway extreme? Partly extreme? Like “half-caf espresso” extreme? Then he asked me to eat crickets.
9. The guy who it will just never work out with
You led with “fake news?” Really? Sorry dude, this won’t work.
You want to talk me into jumping off a cliff? Please don’t.
It will also not work out with this guy, who made me believe he was related to the original voice of Gumby in his profile, and then that was *not* the case.
Or this guy, whose bio indicates he would choose “Wine over beer. Cookies over cakes. Squats over curls. Chill nights over getting wasted.” Actually sir, I disagree with you on most, nay, all fronts. All cookies and cake take precedence over squats and curls.
10. The guy who saw this all coming