MLB: Miami Marlins at Philadelphia Phillies
Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Ranking Phillies May home games from Mother’s Appreciation Day to… Weather Day?

The good, the meh and the pointless.

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It’s May and the Phillies are 11-12, which is not bad at this point in their third-straight rebuilding season. The Phils got swept in Los Angeles to end April on a bit of a dour note, falling 5-3 Sunday in Nick Pivetta’s Major League debut on the mound. They even had a bit of a win streak last week and through the first month of the season; attendance has been pretty good, buoyed by home series with the rival Mets and Nationals. The Phillies averaged more than 31,000 in April — 11th best in the league — and if the current run continues, with school getting out soon, Citizens Bank Park could start rocking again.

A four-game set in Chicago with the Cubs starts a month that includes six against the Nationals, a nine-game road trip and 28 games in the 31 days, with just three days off, all in the first half of the month. Will the Phillies be competitive by then? It will be tough to assume that answer will be yes.

Phillies home games in May

DateOpponentTimePromotion
Fri, 5/5Nationals7:05pNurses Night; Teacher Appreciation Night presented by ENGIE
Sat, 5/6Nationals7:05pComcast Phanatic About Reading Night - Children's Book 14 & under; Phillies Cornhole Classic
Sun, 5/7Nationals2:35pStubHub Mother's Appreciation Day - Women 15 years & over - Tote Bag; Phillies Charities, Inc. Auction
Tue, 5/9Mariners7:05pDollar Dog Night; Class of 2017 Celebration
Wed, 5/10Mariners1:05pWeather Education Day
Mon, 5/22Rockies7:05p@Phillies Tech Kit - 15 & over
Tue, 5/23Rockies7:05p
Wed, 5/24Rockies7:05pTeva Respiratory Night; Phillies Cap - All fans
Thu, 5/25Rockies1:05pSenior Stroll the Bases - 55 & over; #TBT Emoji T-Shirt Games
Fri, 5/26Reds7:05pFriday #PhilliesSocial
Sat, 5/27Reds4:05pKids Run the Bases - 14 & under; First Responders Night
Sun, 5/28Reds1:35p

So, 31 days, 28 games and just 12 at home in May. Here’s how the games rank in terms of which are the best to go see.

1. Sun, 5/7 vs. Nationals – 2:35p

StubHub Mother’s Appreciation Day – Women 15 years & over – Tote Bag; Phillies Charities, Inc. Auction

MLB: Chicago Cubs at Philadelphia Phillies
USA TODAY Sports

There’s nothing better than spending a day at the ballpark with mom. The Phillies are having Mother’s Appreciation Day the week before Mother’s Day this year, with a “pre-game tribute dedicated to all moms.” The celebration, per the Phillies promotional schedule, is for “women 15 years and over.” That’s quite the statement on age as it pertains to motherhood, Phillies. (Also, they all get tote bags.)

It’s also the Phillies charity auction day, which is a really neat day at the park with lots of expensive game-used and antique items on which to bid. Or to stare at while your mom and wife — and OHMYGOD she’s my 15 year-old daughter, thousands of dads will scream internally, stop thinking of her as old enough to be a mother — get their free tote bags.

2. Sat, 5/27 vs. Reds – 4:05p

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Phillies.com

Kids Run the Bases – 14 & under; First Responders Night

Kids — not young mothers, obvs — get to run the bases immediately after the Phillies face the Reds. That could be a good chance for a win, so fun will be had by all. It’s also First Responders night, and the first 500 fans to buy tickets for that promotion get a discounted seat and a cool First Responders hat.

3. Sat, 5/6 vs. Nationals – 7:05p

Comcast Phanatic About Reading Night – Children’s Book 14 & under; Phillies Cornhole Classic

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Phillies.com

All kids 14 and under get a copy of the Phanatic’s Best Rain Delay Ever, because why wouldn’t a kid trying to grow a mustache to impress the girl in geometry class want the same book as a toddler?

It’s also the day of the Phillies’ fourth annual Cornhole Classic! 

The tournament will take place inside the Citizens Bank Park Left Field Gate beginning at 11 a.m., with registration beginning at 10 a.m. Teams will be required to check in upon arrival. The Philadelphia Cornhole League will run the double elimination tournament consisting of 128 teams.

That’s a lot of bean bags to toss. You don’t want to get arm weary holding all those books for your kids.

For $100 you get two tickets to the game in the Pavilion area of sections 203-204 and entry into the tournament.

4. Thu, 5/25 vs. Rockies – 1:05p

Senior Stroll the Bases – 55 & over; #TBT Emoji T-Shirt Games

In past years, this is where we’d make the Ryan Howard jokes. Alas, with a young roster, the only opportunity for our senior citizens to run the bases is after the game. It’s a businessperson’s special too (read: people cutting out of work and all the retireds hoping to get a free walk on the field), so it’s a great day to get out and relax in the pre-summer sun.

It’s also one of the sweet emoji shirt days, which is a special $30 promotion I cannot believe I keep promoting for the team without getting one myself.

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Phillies.com

5. Fri, 5/5 vs. Nationals – 7:05p

Nurses Night; Teacher Appreciation Night presented by ENGIE

Nurses night could have been one of the best promotions of the season. Only, it’s not a giveaway for everyone.

The first 500 fans that purchase tickets through this promotion will receive a coupon for an exclusive Phillies Scrub Top giveaway! Note: sizes will be available at the redemption table on a first come, first served basis.

Sorry, 500th nurse in line, you’re getting a size small whether you like it or not. Sorry, 501st nurse. All you’re getting is barfed on.

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Phillies.com

Oh, it’s also Teacher night, because why not randomly give away two different things on the same Friday night in May?

The first 3,000 fans that purchase tickets through this promotion will receive a coupon for an exclusive Teacher Appreciation Night presented by ENGIE USB flash drive.

A FLASH DRIVE. The nurses get scrubs. Teachers get FLASH DRIVES. And they only get the FLASH DRIVE if they sign up in advance. It comes with a discounted ticket too, so there’s that.

6. Mon, 5/22 vs. Rockies – 7:05p

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Phillies.com

@Phillies Tech Kit – 15 & over

The Rockies come to town on a Monday night which is about as ‘meh’ as it gets this season, but all adults get a pretty sweet tech kit that includes ear buds, a cigarette-lighter USB charger, a Phillies-branded wall charger plug, and by the looks of it, sans cord. Meh, it’s free.

7. Wed, 5/24 vs. Rockies – 7:05p

Teva Respiratory Night; Phillies Cap – All fans

Deep breath, the Teva Respiratory night is just a silly promotion, but there’s a decent Fightin’ Phils hat that comes with it. The hat is a blue denimy color with just those two words on the left side of the top, with no Phillies logo. It screams trying too hard, but if you’re a hat collector, that’s the game to go to. 

8. Tue, 5/9 vs. Mariners – 7:05p

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Phillies.com

Dollar Dog Night; Class of 2017 Celebration

Hot dogs for a buck. Also, the Mariners. It’s also graduation night with discounts for the graduates and a snazzy t-shirt. But it’s only for 1,500 fans and you have to order tickets through the promotion for graduates.

The school who sells the most tickets can have their senior class president throw out the first pitch! Get buying, seniors.

9. Fri, 5/26 vs. Reds – 7:05p

Friday #PhilliesSocial

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Phillies.com

Be honest. BE HONEST. Would you ever wear a t-shirt that says #GoPhils?

If you said yes, which you didn’t, would you wear it if the back said #PhilliesSocial? What if, under that hashtag, you had the Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat symbols and a Citizens Bank logo?

And what if you had to pay extra for it? The first 200 people who pay for this promotion get to see batting practice and get a silly shirt. Oh, and this is just the first of FIVE Fridays where you can do this. Fun. Sorry… #Fun.

10. Sun, 5/28 vs. Reds – 1:35p

There is no promotion this day, just good ol’ fashioned baseball. And sometimes, that’s okay. Still, it’s ranked 10th because I mean come on it’s just baseball, where’s the free stuff?

11. Wed, 5/10 vs. Mariners – 1:05p

Weather Education Day

MLB: Miami Marlins at Philadelphia Phillies
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

What’s worse than no promotion? A crappy one!

It’s an interleague game against the Mariners and it’s Weather Education Day presented by NBC10 First Alert Weather, where kids get to watch the NBC and Telemundo meteorologists do cool weather experiments before the Phillies game. Now, look at this itinerary. 

9:30 a.m.

  • First and Third base gates open for entry. Each attendee will receive an event curriculum and rally towel upon entering Citizens Bank Park.

Wait. Stop. An event curriculum? For serious?

10:30 a.m. – 11:30 a.m.

  • Weather Education Day Program presented by meteorologists from NBC10/Telemundo62 (rain or shine).

Heh. Rain or shine. It’s funny because they’re weather people.

11:35 a.m.

  • Program ends and attendees move to seats for the game
  • Lunch (concession stands will be open)

THEY AREN’T EVEN GIVING THE PEOPLE LUNCH? I mean, that’s fine to not provide lunch, but it’s totally not cool to say Lunch and then follow it up with (bring your wallets, jerks.)

1:05 p.m.

  • First Pitch: Phillies vs. Mariners

(Rain or shine.)

12. Tue, 5/23 vs. Rockies – 7:05p

In a four-game set with the Rockies, this is the only game that doesn’t have a promotional giveaway. Let’s check the attendance on this gem of a game in a few weeks.