The Phillies are bad. Really bad. Historically bad. They just got swept by the Marlins, outscored over three games 21-5, bad. And so, a team this bad has no choice but to stick with the age-old, tried-and-true method of getting butts in the seats at summer home games: Give away tons of free crap.

There are 27 games in June, but just 11 at home. And, sure, the Red Sox two-game set should draw well, but the other nine games are against the Giants, Diamondbacks and Cardinals. Actually, per ESPN, the Cardinals and Giants have two of the four best road attendance marks this season. (For what it’s worth, the Phillies have the sixth-best road attendance this season, but just the 18th-best average at home.)

Will tons of free swag get more fans to the ballpark this month? Are you interested in seeing a bad Giants team or mediocre Cardinals club? Let’s rank the home games in June, from Star Wars night to Hawaiian shirts for dad to watching the Phanatic do Riverdance.

[table id=PhilsJune /]

Were there hot dogs on Endor? Credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Wed, 6/21 vs. Cardinals, 7:05 p.m.

Star Wars Night

Star Wars always gets people out. So does free stuff about Star Wars.

The first 7,000 fans that purchase tickets through this promotion will receive a coupon for a special Phillies Star Wars Phanatic Red Leader in an X-Wing Fighter uniform.

Star Wars characters will be at the entrance gates for photo opportunities. Fans are encouraged to dress up as their favorite Star Wars characters.

Tickets for this promo are discounted four bucks and $2 goes to Stand Up 2 Cancer. The way they’re playing, by then the Phillies may have to, ahem, force people to buy them. Still, it’s a great promotion.

Wed, 6/14 vs. Red Sox, 7:05 p.m.

MLB Network Tote Bag; Phillies Charities Auction

Anyone who shops at a supermarket knows in this day and age there’s no such thing as too many tote bags. But these bags comes with hope.

This game is dedicated to providing hunger relief. For every $1 donated, we can provide two meals to help children and their families in need! Here’s how fans may support the cause, benefitting Philabundance.

There’s a food drive and an auction and a 50/50 raffle and anyone who buys tickets through the promotion using the code FEEDINGFAMILIES gets a discount and $8 from each ticket goes to Philabundance.

Fri, 6/2 vs. Giants, 7:05 p.m.

#HighSchoolSeries; African American Heritage Celebration

It’s this Friday, and it might be a winnable game, but it’s also African American Heritage night, with some great musical celebrations planned throughout the game.

This games also includes the #HighSchoolSeries night, where high school kids and their parents to go behind-the-scenes with the team, meet players, announcers and executives to learn about how the team is run. At this pace, maybe one of them will even get to run the team. It almost literally can’t get any worse if a high schooler was in charge.

Sat, 6/17 vs. D-backs, 4:05 p.m.

W.B. Mason Truck

It’s not exactly the Hess Truck at Christmas, but a Phillies-labeled W.B. Mason truck is kind of neat for kids 14 and under. So if you’re looking for something to do on a late afternoon in mid-June, the Diamondbacks are actually a pretty good baseball team this year. This is one of those games that screams “free stuff for the kids and decent food options” and the Phils hope that if they’re the ones who scream it, at least 20,000 people will hear it and say “please don’t run out of ice cream helmets like you did last Saturday, Phillies. Dan’s daughter was pretty upset about that.” And then they will show up to get the free things and the decent food options and watch the probably lopsided baseball game.

Sun, 6/18 vs. D-backs, 1:35 p.m.

Father’s Appreciation Day; Hawaiian shirt; Phillies Charities Auction

See the above game write-up about an afternoon in June against a good team, except the game is a few hours earlier and you can still get home in time for some dad-related grilling with the family. And, yes, that totally means mowing the lawn or fixing the roof because you put it off until after the Phillies game on Sunday, DAD, so no, nobody really cares that it’s still technically Father’s Day. Did mom get to shirk all her responsibilities on Mother’s Day just so she could watch baseball? You better watch how you answer that, dad.

Oh, here’s a free Hawaiian shirt. Yeah, we know most dads would prefer a t-shirt or maybe just a regular polo shirt to wear to work or golfing. Yep, Shane Victorino hasn’t been on the team in quite some time, but hey, this is the perfect summer shirt for lazy dads who are also too cheap to go buy one themselves, right? And look, it has all the different Ps on it. No, that wasn’t a joke about drinking too much beer, dad. So embarrassing.

Sat, 6/3 vs. Giants, 4:05 p.m.

The Avett Brothers; Runners Day; Youth Baseball Celebration; Youth Softball Celebration; Deaf Awareness Night

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Look, you’re either a fan of the Avett Brothers or you’re not and I guess the Phillies hope there are enough local fans of the folksy group to fill a stadium for a baseball game. That’s not why this is so low on the list.

It’s also Runner’s Day, which means nothing other than $8 off your ticket with the right code. It’s also Youth Baseball and Softball Day, which comes with an on-field parade for the kids, which is cool. And it’s Deaf Awareness Night.

Tickets for the event are located in sections 206-210 at $35 each. That’s an $8 discount off regularly priced tickets! As an added bonus, your game tickets will also allow you to stay for a postgame concert featuring The Avett Brothers!*

As an added bonus, people signing up for this promotion with serious hearing issues, stick around for a postgame concert! Of all the nights for this promotion…

Oh, and the code is DAN. That’s either for Deaf Awareness Night or because the Phillies just knew when they did it I’d make a “wow the team is totally tone deaf” pun and they’re preempting it by saying, “Jeez, DAN.”

Sun, 6/4 vs. Giants, 1:35 p.m.

Maikel Franco batting gloves

Phillies GM Matt Klentak said Tuesday there’s no plan to send Franco to the minors at this point. Maybe they’re waiting until after Sunday so they don’t have to awkwardly scrap his giveaway.

This is as good a place as any to remind fans just how terrible the Phillies are this season. They won six games in May. Six! They are 17-34 after starting the season 11-9. Tommy Joseph is batting .248 and that’s more than 30 points better than Franco, who upped his average against the Marlins from .209 to .216. So, yeah, the Phillies are giving away batting gloves for a guy who can’t hit. At least they’re not giving away anything related to the pitchers this month.

Thu, 6/15 vs. Red Sox, 7:05 p.m.

#TBT Emoji T-Shirt; Irish Heritage Celebration

We’re on record this is the best t-shirt of the year, but there are several opportunities to get one. And yet, Irish Heritage night the same night the Red Sox are in town? Why don’t they just invite half of Boston to come down for the night? Eh, at least it’s mid-week.

First few thousand fans get a green Phillies flag with a shamrock. Blarney!

Tue, 6/20 vs. Cardinals, 7:05 p.m.

Greek Heritage Celebration

Good news, this doesn’t mean another fraternity night. Bad news, they won’t replace all the cheesesteaks with authentic gyros.

Thu, 6/22 vs. Cardinals, 1:05 p.m.

#TBT Emoji T-Shirt

If you don’t have this t-shirt by then, you aren’t getting it.

Fri, 6/16 vs. D-backs, 7:05 p.m.

#PhilliesSocial; Peanut Reduced Suites

#GoPhils? More like #NoPhils, amirite? Come up with a better shirt, at least until you show up with a better team.