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Read the news of the day in less than 10 minutes — not that we’re counting.

All season long we’ve been listing (and ranking) the top Phillies promotions down at Citizens Bank Park. There have been a lot of giveaways and planned theme nights, which is what bad baseball teams have to do to bribe, er, entice fans to come to the stadium. And now with football season here, it’s even harder to get people to focus on baseball.

Having said that, there are a ton of reasons to go watch the Phillies play, and none of them have to do with Star Trek, The Beatles or an ABC sitcom written by a guy from Philly. The youth movement has officially begun for the Phillies, so despite having won just four of the 10 games they’ve played in September, players like J.P. Crawford, Rhys Hoskins, Jorge Alfaro, Nick Williams and Aaron Altherr give fans a glimpse of what the future might hold for The Fightins. (More pitching could help.)

So in addition to the young players you’ll be able to brag about seeing when they were rookies, there’s a ton of free stuff to collect at CBP this month. Here’s a ranking of all the swag from most desirable to…getting nothing to watch the Mets.

[table id=94 /]

Sun. Oct 1 vs. Mets, 3:05 PM

Credit: Phillies

Fan Appreciation Day/2018 Schedule Fathead/Phillies Fun Spinner

The last game of the regular season is always the best day to get free stuff. In addition to several giveaways — a schedule Fathead wall cling and a “we can’t call them fidget” spinner for those in need of intense focus or whatever those things purportedly do — there are contests galore and a carnival atmosphere. Plus it’s the last time you’ll get to see the Phillies until next year, and maybe the last time you’ll ever get to see some of your favorite infielders who are bound to get traded this offseason.

Tue. Sep 12  vs. Marlins, 7:05 PM

Mystery Bobblehead Night/Student Steal

Ooooh, a mystery. Is this the Phillies’ clever way of dumping all those Pete Rose bobbleheads they had made for when he was supposed to get inducted onto the Wall of Fame? It turns out…no!

Credit: Phillies

Fans who purchase through the Theme Night portal and use the code MYSTERY get either the Phanatic dressed up like a character from Star Wars, Mike Schmidt or Greg Luzinski in the old awful maroon uniforms. So it’s less a mystery and more a cleaning out of the closet after fewer fans showed up to those games than they hoped.

Wed. Sep 27 vs. Nationals, 7:05 PM

Credit: Phillies

Oktoberfest/Student Steal

The Nationals have already clinched the NL East, so in two weeks there’s no telling who might be in the lineup. But 1,000 fans who use the code GHC get a $4 off ticket and a Phillies beer stein. Oktoberfest in September. (No, the stein doesn’t come with a free beer.)

Sat. Sep 16 vs. Athletics, 7:05 PM

Pediatric Cancer Awareness Night/Student Steal

It’s always hard to ‘rank’ nights like this, so let’s take a moment to say this should have been at the top of the list because any money raised for pediatric cancer research and awareness is the best. Cancer, of course, is the fucking worst. And so, use the code PCAN and get a discount, have money from your ticket go to pediatric cancer research and the first 500 of you get a snazzy-ish gold Phillies hat sponsored by Nemours pediatric health system.

Credit: Phillies

Mon. Sep 25 vs. Nationals, 7:05 PM

Beatles Night/Phillies #CollegeSeries – Art & Design Night/Student Steal

Credit: Phillies

I don’t really get this promotion. I totally get celebrating the music of the Beatles throughout a baseball game. I get that it’s fun to dress up like the band did for Sgt. Pepper and, sure, I often picture myself on a boat on a river across from strawberry fields with all the lonely people in an octopus’ garden. I think I did that yesterday or something.

But try to see it my way: Why would any fan wear a Phillies winter hat with The Beatles logo on it as well? Why any Beatles fan would wear a winter hat with a Phillies logo? Come on, tell me the answer.

Use the code BEATLES for $4 off and the first 1,500 get the hat.

Tue. Sep 26 vs. Nationals, 7:05 PM

Credit: Phillies

Star Trek: Next Generation Night/Phillies #CollegeSeries – Digital & Mobile Marketing Night/Student Steal

With all due respect to Leonard Nemoy, there’s little debate that Star Trek: The Next Generation is the best Star Trek of all time. The first 3,000 fans who buy tickets with the code STARTREK get a Captain Picard bobble head and a discount. It’s a really, really weird baseball promotion to get, but it’s the 30th anniversary of the show, so engage in some TNG festivities at the ballpark.

Sun. Sep 17 vs. Athletics, 1:35 PM

Credit: Phillies

Herr’s Winter Aviator Hat/Food Drive/Grandparents’ Day/Student Steal

This hat is hipster treasure. Also, it’s grandparents’ day (observed), which means a ton of old guys wearing this hat also. But unironically.

Fri. Sep 15 vs. Athletics, 7:05 PM

The Goldbergs Night/Retro Slap Bracelet//Back to School Night/Student Steal

Do you like the ABC show “The Goldbergs”? Do you like slap bracelets? Well this night is for you!

Credit: Phillies

Series creator and Philadelphia area native Adam Goldberg will be on hand. Barry Goldberg, alongside Troy Gentile, who plays Barry in the series, will throw out the Ceremonial First Pitch. Phillies-themed clips from the show will be featured on Phanavision throughout the game. Students from Penn Charter, the inspiration behind the show’s William Penn Academy, will sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame in the 7th inning.

Thu. Sep 14 vs. Marlins, 7:05 PM

Jewish Heritage Celebration/ #CollegeSeries – Media Night/Student Steal

Speaking of local Jews …this Thursday, the day before “The Goldbergs” night (too on the nose to do these together, Phillies?) is Jewish Heritage Night including a snazzy t-shirt with ‘Let’s Go Phils’ written in Hebrew. Just use the code MATZ for the shirt and a discount. (Phillies…if you have any extras send a size L to the Billy Penn office please and thank you.)

Mon. Sep 18 vs. Dodgers, 7:05 PM

Phillies #CollegeSeries – Sport & Facility Management Night/Student Steal

Tue. Sep 19 vs. Dodgers, 7:05 PM

Phillies Band Night/Phillies #CollegeSeries – Business Analytics Night/Student Steal

Wed. Sep 20 vs. Dodgers, 7:05 PM

Phillies #CollegeSeries – Business Law & Finance Night/Student Steal

Three straight nights and three different #CollegeSeries events for college kids to get a behind the scenes look at how the Phillies are run. They’re also part of the September promotion Student Steal which is a $15 ticket and up to $12 in free food. Check out all the #CollegeSeries nights in September — there are six of them — here. The 19th is also Band Night, where there will be a huge marching band performance before the game and you can snag a hat with the code BAND.

Thu. Sep 21 vs. Dodgers, 1:05 PM

Credit: Phillies

Citizens Bank Business Persons Special/#TBT Emoji T-shirt/Student Steal

The last BPS of the season means it’s the last time you can sneak out of work for a “meeting” and watch a playoff team play. (We mean the Dodgers, of course.)

Wed. Sep 13 vs. Marlins, 7:05 PM

Hatfield Phillies Franks Dollar Dog Night/Student Steal

Fun fact: This weekend I bought an eight pack of hot dogs for $2.99 and buns were $2.00. But hey, dollar hot dogs are as good a reason to go to a baseball game as any. That’s one cheap sandwich.

Fri. Sep 29 vs. Mets, 7:05 PM

Red Goes Greek Night/#HighSchoolSeries #2/Student Steal

They put high school night the same night as Greek night? That’s going to be a fun night for the beer vendors.

Sat. Sep 30 vs. Mets, 7:05 PM

Student Steal

It’s the second to last game of the year. It’s the Mets. If you go to this game, you get what you deserve. Which is nothing.