In honor of the smackdown the Sixers are about to give the Heat in the first round of the NBA Playoffs, we decided to list all the reasons Philly is better than Miami.
Easy peasy, we thought — until we ran into a slight snag: Billy Penn reporter Mónica Zorrilla is a native Miamian, and even though she’s made the smart choice to live here, she felt the need to defend her hometown.
Do her refutations water down our case? Maybe a bit, but we still think Philly comes out on top.
Here’s the argument, so you can decide.
More people
Philly is bigger, plain and simple. The estimated 2016 population is 1.6 million, nearly four times Miami’s 450,000.
We’re making coin, plain and simple — relatively, a lot more of it. Miami’s GDP is around $318k, while much more populous Philly’s is only $411k.
No gators
Sure, Philly’s got a few rodents running around. But (a) they mostly stay below ground and (b) even if not, they’re not big enough to EAT you.
A few? Try being the No. 1 city in the country for rodents, some of which I have personally witnessed to be as ferocious as any Florida gator. At least our scaly pests don’t terrorize our homes.
Fewer tourists
Philly’s historical sites can’t match Miami’s beaches as a draw, and we don’t miss the camera-toting, floppy-hat-wearing, crying-kid-having folks one bit.
In the wise words of Miami export DJ Khaled: Philly, ya played yaself. You’re right, you don’t have our beaches, and it’s a shame! Being near the ocean feels good, and it’s good for you. Please don’t try to convince yourselves that being an hour from Jersey Shore counts.
Fewer old people
Per census data, the median age in Miami is five years older (38.5 vs. 33.5), and that’s mostly because of septuagenarians and octogenarians. About 12 percent of Philadelphians are over 65, where in Miami, that segment makes up 16 percent of the population.
We love our friendly neighborhood abuelitos and abuelitas! These viejitos are out here living their best life. Just don’t get behind them on the road.
A Super Bowl since Richard Nixon was president
Looks like last time the Dolphins had the Lombardi Trophy was 1974. A drought like that is really hard to deal with (we know from experience).
And y’all haven’t won a Larry O’Brien since Ronald Reagan. We’ve been bringing the HEAT on the basketball court consistently (and during this century).
Federal Donuts
We have one, they don’t (anymore). ‘Nuff said.
On almost every corner of Miami, you can get authentic: arroz con leche, flan de dulce de leche, tres leches con coco, pastelitos de guayaba, alfajores or polvorosas. Don’t worry, we good.
Normal weather
Can you imagine a world where it’s not always hot and muggy, Miamians?
Can you imagine a world where there aren’t freak nor’easters or 30-degree lows during the spring, Philadelphians? We can. ?
Above-sea-level street grid
Not like the Founding Fathers could have foreseen climate change, but the city they chose as home base is going to be a much happier place once the ocean starts rising.
Okay, you got us there Philadelphia. Can’t argue with science. But, hey, houseboats don’t sound too bad.
Pennsylvania isn’t Florida
Have you heard of Florida Man? Or maybe Florida Woman?
Have you heard of Bill Cosby? Or maybe Jerry Sandusky?
Fans who trusted the process
This Philly basketball team is really something special, and we know it. You’d never see us leaving a playoff game early like folks in Miami have done.
Go Sixers.
