Looking for a unique gift for the Philadelphian in your life?
Nothing says “thank you for being a vital piece in the bizarre puzzle that is my existence” than a handmade, crafty item featuring the winsome visage of Gritty.
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A scroll through Etsy proves that any boring low-budget jawn can get a serious glow up with some bearded orange pizzaz.
There are Kawaii stickers, pricey street fashion, discombobulated beanies, elegant ornaments, a framed Mona Gritty, and altered vintage porcelain platters that have all been blessed with the Flyers mascot’s alluring looks.
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But how do you choose which crazy-eyed thingamabob is right for the people you genuinely care about? How about for the people you feel obligated to give something?
Look no further than our holiday Gritty gift guide. Read below to get your calamitous merrymaking on.
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For the Secret Santa you know absolutely nothing about
Because while you don’t know their story, or their cubicle, or their name, or their face, or any relevant details about them, if they’re working in the Philly region, you do know they’re bound to be down with the nitty-Gritty.
For that special superstitious someone
Because they’ll need this potent candle oozing odorous wax and inexplicable charm while sorting out the cosmos with their Philly Tarot Card deck.
For the BFF who left you for their baby
Because she decided to get married straight out of college with her senior-year sweetheart, invested in her future by purchasing a home with a backyard in Mt. Airy and, on top of all of that, had the audacity to get pregnant and have a precious little one that takes up all of her free time and energy. But you’re still close. Really. This onesie proves it.
For your endearing but clueless grandparents
Because they’ll never be able to tell that the “G” doesn’t stand for grandma and grandpa (it stands for humanity’s one and only forebearer.)
It’ll be so sweet when they do get confused though!
For the revolutionary (you surely know a few)
Because Gritty has been adopted as the zenith of resistance, the pinnacle of destroying the system that has done nothing but beat down the people it vowed to serve.
Take down the Man, replace the Man with Gritty. Thomas More couldn’t have thought of a better Utopia.
For the pop culture snob
For the film bro who swears that Quentin Tarantino is the only director/producer that is worth effusing over.
For the person you secretly love to hate
Because that person deserves the rude awakening that, underneath their glossy, filtered exterior lies a freakish monster, swirling just below the surface (and you see right through the act).
Bonus: Sequin pillows are surprisingly chic.
For the teen cousin that hates everything (including you)
Because they’ll hate you a little less when you stuff their stocking with this R-rated adventure.
Their parents, on the other hand, might not request your presence at next year’s Christmas function. (Extra bonus.)
For the basic you’re settling for
Because they’re brave enough to publicly proclaim on their Bumble profiles that Friends and The Office “are life,” but not brave enough to fully forfeit their body and soul to Gritty. Sad!
For the cool aunt
Because she’ll proudly wear them to every single celebratory occasion henceforth.
These orange ear cherubs of simultaneous evil and glee will be the family heirlooms passed for generations to come.
For your dorky dad
Because he still thinks you’re like, 8 years old.
No Dad, I’ve graduated from Sesame Street to Broad Street. I’m sorry that your efforts in raising me to be a good, pure-hearted person were all for naught. I’m down this wretched, Gritty path, and I’m taking you there with me. Happy Holidays!
For your unrequited crush
Because this won’t creep them out.
For the long-lost friend on the other side of the country
Because even from a distance, they understand why you’re obsessed with this pumpkin spice fur demon.
For yourself ’cause screw it
Because it serves no useful purpose other than to be expensive, adorable and take space on the couch.