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Domestic violence affects Philadelphians of every gender, ZIP code and race every single day.
According to the city of Philadelphia’s Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, one in three U.S. women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. That statistic is one in four for men, and nearly 50% for LGBTQ+ community members.
“Domestic violence definitely thrives in isolation,” said Joanna Otero-Cruz, executive director and president of Women Against Abuse. “Many people think it’s just when it’s physical. Absolutely, that’s one way it can manifest. But there are also other ways that domestic violence can manifest.”
Otero-Cruz noted some of the forms that this abuse can take:
- Physical abuse: Aggressive and violent behavior that results in bodily injury or harm.
- Emotional and verbal abuse: Humiliation, threats, intimidation, insults and behaviors that undermine a partner’s confidence. It can involve control over a partner’s daily whereabouts and limiting access to friends and family.
- Financial abuse: Controlling a partner’s access to money, preventing them from working or attending school, or opening/using financial accounts in their name without their knowledge or consent.
- Sexual abuse: Pressuring or forcing someone into sexual activity without their consent.
- Digital abuse: Demanding passwords, monitoring someone’s location without their knowledge. Checking their phone or using text messages and social media to harass or control them.
- Spiritual abuse: Using religious beliefs or spiritual practices to manipulate, intimidate or control a partner.
Women Against Abuse, is a nonprofit here in Philadelphia dedicated to serving individuals who are experiencing domestic violence. They provide a 24-hour domestic violence hotline for the city of Philadelphia, and run the only two domestic violence shelters in the city. The organization educates around the topic of DV in schools around the city, as well as provides legal services to Philadelphians experiencing forms of abuse in their inner circle.
In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, we chatted with Otero-Cruz to learn more about warning signs and steps to take when you and or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence.
This conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.
What are some common warning signs of domestic violence that people often overlook?
Domestic violence — what many people also refer to as intimate partner violence — occurs where one person uses abuse or some type of manipulation, like manipulative behaviors, to gain or maintain power and control over their partner or their former intimate partner. It can manifest in different ways.
Every relationship is different. One behavior alone may not tell the whole story, right? Because we’re talking about a pattern of control, a pattern of intimidation, a pattern of disrespect that could be warning signs.
So, a partner who is excessively jealous or constantly demands to know where their person is — those could be signs. Someone that isolates them from their friends and their families. You know, we’ve seen individuals that completely relocate because they’re away from their families, right? We see a lot of gaslighting that happens. So someone blames the other person for the abusive behavior. Those could all be signs to look for.
If you have a friend or family member that you believe is under this kind of abuse or control, what do you often recommend? I imagine it can be hard when someone needs help, yet maybe they’re not ready to receive it.
Absolutely, the first thing I would say is believe them. Sometimes individuals may question why they stay, and so it could feel like they’re being interrogated. Refrain from doing that. Give affirmation. Say, “I’m sorry that you’re going through this experience. There are many people that experience domestic violence, and there is help out there.”
It takes a lot for someone to disclose that they’re going through this. So, it’s so important that you provide a safe and a non-judgmental space, and applaud them for having the courage to disclose it.
And then what I would say is, share that there are resources out there for them. You know, suggest they call the hotline where they can speak to a trained domestic violence counselor, who can explore the options for them. Calling doesn’t mean that they have to make a decision. They may just be able to gather and collect information, so when they want to take that next step, they are aware that there is help out there. Just ensuring that there is a plan that can keep them safer is a start.
Why is it often difficult for survivors to leave these relationships?
We call it the cycle of abuse, right? It’s not always bad. Oftentimes what we call the honeymoon stage, it’s a lot of “I’m sorry, I’m going to change, and you know, I’m gonna do better.” So there’s a lot of apologies that happen in the midst of the relationship. There’s that sense of hope that things will get better. That’s part of the cycle.
As you can imagine, there’s lots of different barriers to leaving. There’s the complexity of the home dynamics, right? People have assets together. The cost of living is high, so they’re sharing a home or cars. Children oftentimes are involved. There are barriers in certain religions, where it’s still frowned upon for you to leave or separate from your married partner. Many of our vulnerable communities are not feeling safe because of what’s happening globally. Half of the LGBTQIA population is impacted by domestic violence, and so leaving their partner oftentimes means that they’re losing a lot of their support systems and communities as a whole.
I often tell individuals when we do workshops, imagine whatever you can put in this backpack is what you’re taking with you. It would be quite difficult for anybody to get up and go. I think as society we have to change conversations and really talk about the behaviors and stop victim blaming as to why people stay.
Terms like gaslighting, love bombing and even DARVO are in the cultural lexicon now. Do you feel that awareness around domestic violence has risen in the last 15 years or so, especially with the rise of social media?
Everything has a pro and a con, right? We definitely see social media or technology being used for increased coercion, but we actually also see all the positives with it. There are ways that we use social media or just technology in general to really support individuals to remain safe and do safety planning differently because of it.
There is definitely an increase of awareness, through every platform from TikTok and beyond. We actually get more hits on our social media platforms than on our website at times when we look at analytics. We also know that they are specific apps that are being utilized in ways to help with safety planning, or when someone is leaving, or when someone’s trying to get in contact through secured ways to get information, and those are all advantageous.
(Photo by Demetric Beirne)
What are some legislative or community efforts that you are working on actively?
First, there’s definitely changes coming to public benefits that are going to be impacting survivors of domestic violence, and so we’re closely monitoring that. I encourage anyone that’s reading to visit our website at Women Against Abuse. We try to ask for support as it relates to various legislation where people can sign on to letters. That’s one.
We are actively working with the VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) reauthorization that will be taking place in the coming months. It’s federal funding that supports programs who are supporting individuals victimized by domestic violence.
The third relates to VOCA (Victims of Crime Act) funding — specifically for individuals who are victimized by domestic violence and support services, specifically for the legal services being provided across the Commonwealth.
There is an area on our website called the Take Action Center on our website, and it has all the key issues right now that we’re working on. If anyone wants to get involved, I would encourage them to sign up for our newsletter and/or take a look at our website for the upcoming policies that we’re tracking.
What would you share with someone experiencing domestic violence who feels afraid, trapped, or unsure where to turn?
I would say you’re not alone.
They don’t have to try to figure it out by themselves. I would encourage them to call our 24-hour hotline and speak to someone if they have any questions. If they’re even trying to determine whether this is a healthy or unhealthy relationship, they can speak to someone by calling 1-866-723-3014.
We also are at family court if someone finds themselves ready or feels that they want to explore whether or not a protection from abuse is an option. They can go to family court between the hours of 8 a.m. and 4 p.m., and we have advocates available there as well,
They can also visit our website if they’re not ready to speak to anyone. If they would like to just get information, we have tons of information, both in English and in Spanish that talks about what is domestic violence and what services are available for individuals.
