Yelp is where you go to bitch when no one else is willing to listen. It’s fine, many of us have done it.

That’s why, here at Billy Penn, we like to find the best (worst?) of the Yelp reviews that rip apart things in the city that other people love. Yelpers despise the Liberty Bell.

This week, Bon Appetit Magazine declared tiny Fishtown pizza place Pizzeria Beddia as the best pizza in *America*, noting that “some locals call Beddia the Pizza Jesus. Others refer to him as the Jiro of Pizza. They’re all right. ­Beddia counters: ‘It’s just fucking pizza.’”

And while the joint at East Girard Avenue and Shackamaxon Street has a 4.5 star rating on Yelp and 111 reviews, there seem to be at least a handful of people who can’t deal with the hassle and price that might come along with eating “just fucking pizza.”

Here at Beddia, a simple pie starts at $19. From there, every topping costs extra. They don’t have a phone and take orders only if you walk in, they don’t accept anything other than cash, and the two employees only make enough dough for 40 pizzas a day.

These are eight of the oddest reviews we found on Yelp for Pizzeria Beddia:

One star

Kade J. of Philadelphia:

“Wednesday rolls around and I wander over to Beddia….because like a bunch of assholes they are only open Wednesday to Saturday. Apparently no one eats pizza Sunday, Monday or Tuesday…. I walk up to the counter, were I am met by the counter douchebag. Before I am able to say a word, he hastily tells me the next pizza won’t be out of the oven until 6:35. I walked in at 5:30. I was confused, because I didn’t fucking order anything yet…”

He continues:

“Lets pretend that your organic flour is breaking your budget. Do you really have to charge 4$ for sausage and 3$ for onions? 3 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR ONIONS. Bob…..please tell me you unearthed these onions after a Sherpa leads you to Peru on one of your many off days. Bob…are these Peruvian onions???? Maybe that would explain why a minimal amount of flavorless onion would cost THREE FUCKING DOLLARS. Bob, organic onions cost around 3$…..A POUND. There were MAYBE a handful of onions chopped up on my pizza…..I honestly didn’t really taste them, because they were either terrible or weren’t there.

4$ for sausage? Is it unicorn sausage? Did you hunt and slaughter a mythical horned horse to make this sausage? That MAY explain the price…on second thought, it doesn’t, because unicorns don’t exist. I will say it’s probably easier to find unicorn sausage than it is for you to find a Goddamn phone in your pizzeria.”

After another several paragraphs of completely ripping apart the prices at this place, Kade J. added this:

“The owner of Pizzeria Beddia Bob “Joseph” Beddia called my place of employment after I posted this review. He did so in an effort to adversely impact my standing at my job. He sent the link of this review to my HR rep and general manager to read.

They thought it was hilarious.”

Michael S. of Philadelphia:

“I don’t get it maybe its because IM not a hipster but I will never wait 45 min for a 32 dollar pizza that was covered in so much raw jalapeno it was completely inedible.”

Two stars

Sara L. of Philadelphia:

“This place is kind of dumb.”

Albert M. of Philadelphia:

“Their extreme awareness of how to create and market a gimmick is substantially better than the taste of the pizza. The ingredients seem very standard and the taste of pizza was pretty unremarkable.”

Kayte Y. of Philadelphia:

“First of all, why in the world don’t they have a phone? I can’t think of a single legitimate business that doesn’t have a phone. I would think that it’s more of a hassle not to have one. It is definitely a hassle for their customers. I can’t imagine that any person who eats there actually enjoys walking or finding parking there once to order, then a second time to pick up. I can’t understand it. Its just more work for people who already have hectic schedules.”

Three stars

Matthew H. of Philadelphia:

“I have to say that this might be the review that I have agonized over the most about and I will explain why…  [700 words about pizza]…In the end though, I don’t think that this pizza is better than Roberta’s in Brooklyn or Pizzeria Vetri in Philly. [200 more words about pizza]”

Rebecca N. of Portland, Ore.

“I don’t really vividly remember the two slices I had of the long-awaited pizza other than that I thought ‘eh, I guess that’s pretty good.’ The sauce wasn’t memorable, and I remember thinking the crust wasn’t as good as Pizza Brain. The cheese didn’t taste like plastic, but it wasn’t anything special either.”

Fish T. of Philadelphia:

“This place seems more hype than hip. More cold than cool, and more effort than it is worth. Just my two cents.”

Photo: Yelp

Anna Orso

Anna Orso was a reporter/curator at Billy Penn from 2014 to 2017.