PPA
PPA/Illustration

Philadelphia Parking Authority seeks Executive Director: We wrote a job listing

It’s not the real thing, but it should be.

Last week, the Philadelphia Parking Authority announced it was hiring a new executive director. Here are our suggestions for how to entice the candidate that would make the best fit for the six-figure job atop one of the city and state’s oddest departments:

Do you get excited at the sight of a tow truck? Panic whenever you’re around an expired parking meter? Feel a rush of adrenaline at the mention of “bureaucracy?”

Well, you might be the perfect fit for the Philadelphia Parking Authority. You’ve probably heard of us. Despite the name, we’re actually controlled by state government appointees, and plenty of our board members would prefer to live in the suburbs. We’re in charge of providing parking and towing your car away from that parking, as well as overseeing taxis and ride-sharing essentially because in 2004 the state government, which, again, oversees us, decided the state government couldn’t handle Philly’s cab scene.

And right now we’re in search of a new executive director to replace the guy who allegedly made various “unwanted advances” on female employees and the interim chief who hired her daughter’s roommate.  The job paid the last full-time director $200K annually, and even if you do have to resign in disgrace, you’ll probably wind up with a $150K pension, the option to convert unused sick days into a six-figure payoff and 15 years of free health care.

The ideal candidate will:

  • Stay out of the headlines for a period of no less than 6 months;
  • Be proficient in basic office sexual harassment training;
  • Be good with horses;
  • Be terrible with technology;
  • Have lots of family members and friends in need of cushy jobs…
  • … Have family members with friends who need jobs …
  • … Hell, know some people in the neighborhood who need jobs;
  • Be best friends with tweeting SEPTA cop (but have no idea how to use Twitter on own);
  • Have an inability to admit fault.

An anti ride-sharing agenda is preferred.

A desire to be the most hated person in Philadelphia — right up there with Lew Blum — is a plus, as is three years experience participating in extremely low-level, unsophisticated sting operations (BYO Eagles jersey).

Applications must be faxed.

(Here’s the actual job listing, in case you really want to become the PPA executive director).

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