The Phillies play 24 games in July, not including the All-Star Game on July 11 which probably won’t see any Phillies actually play. Outside that break, which runs from the Home Run Derby on July 10 through July 13, the Phillies have just two other days without a game the entire month of July. And 17 of the 24 games are at home.

Prepare to be bribed.

Credit: Phillies

Heading into July’s early homestand with the Pirates and Padres, the Phillies have just 14 wins in 34 home games this year. They’re worse on the road, but the good news is they’ve played nearly a dozen more games away from Citizens Bank Park so far this year.

Does that mean there’s hope for a team with the fewest wins in baseball? Having a lot of home games in the summer can be both a blessing and a curse. Sure, kids are out and families are looking for stuff to do. Adults, young and old alike, enjoy sitting out on a nice summer night, grabbing a beer and watching baseball. And fireworks. Twice.

But golly there’s not a fireworks display in the world worth paying to watch the Phillies most nights this season. Maybe a shirt…or a hat…will do get people excited for summer baseball?

Here’s a list of every promotion in July. Of the 17 home games, all but one have some sort of promotion or theme night attached. We’ve tried to rank them, from fireworks and Game of Thrones nights to a Hunter Hayes concert and Summer Camp Day.

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Tue, 7/4, Pirates, 4:05 p.m.

Salute to Veterans Celebration presented by Toyota

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On July 4th, the Phillies are honoring our veterans. The first 1,000 fans to purchase tickets through this promo get a Phillies camo hat. All military personnel, vets and guests get $4 off tickets if you use the password MILITARY. Because there are already three fireworks celebrations going on in and around Philly that night, the ones at Citizens Bank Park are later in the week, but still, grabbing a hot dog and watching some afternoon baseball on the Fourth of July is about as America as it gets.

Mon, 7/3, Pirates, 7:05 p.m.

Game of Thrones Night

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It feels like winter has already come for Philly’s sports teams. (Now I can’t stop picturing how different the HBO drama would be if the Phanatic played Hodor.)

The first 2,000 fans that order tickets with the code THRONES get $4 off and a Phillies Game of Thrones-style t-shirt. Hold the door! Even if the Phillies are mostly faceless men, you won’t need to be dragon your friends to the park for this Sansa-bly priced giveaway. Just don’t go Bolton before it’s over, so you can offer Braavos if the Phillies win.

Sat, 7/22, Brewers, 7:05 p.m.

Photo Night

Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

From 5:40 p.m. to 6:10 p.m. fans will be allowed on the field to take photos with Phillies players, broadcasters, ballgirls and the Phanatic before they take on the Brewers. That is not a lot of time, so Get. There. Early.

Phillies event staffers do a great job of getting people in and out, but that’s an incredibly short amount of time to be on the field for autographs and photos. And hey, it might be your last chance to get a photo with like half the roster before they get traded at the deadline.

Sun, 7/9, Padres, 1:35 p.m.

Herr’s Kids Retro Pullover Jacket

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No matter how bad the Phillies and Padres are — bad — Sunday afternoon baseball in July is still a great day if you can snag a cheap ticket in the shade. Kids 14 and under get a pretty cool Phillies retro pullover jacket too.

It’s odd that all the retro stuff coincides with the Padres coming to town, because in the history of the game nobody has had uglier uniforms than the Padres in the ’80s. Nobody. The yellows, the browns, the occasional use of orange. Not even the Astros old uniforms with the orange and yellow stripes were as bad as the Padres. And yet, when it’s time for retro week, the Phillies hold it when the Padres are in town.

Sat, 7/8, Padres, 4:05 p.m.

Toyota Mike Schmidt Bobble Figurine; Yoga Day

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Because when you think of the best third baseman in baseball history, you think of yoga!

Fans interested in adding to their “hey remember when the Phillies were good” bobblehead collection can snag a Schmidt statue in the old powder blue unis. And also…the first 2,000 people who want to do yoga on the outfield grass can pay $50 bucks for a 60-minute session at 9.a.m. that comes with a Phillies yoga mat and a ticket in the lower-level outfield seats. Plus there are post-yoga specials at Xfinity Live! Then come back at 4 p.m. to watch the team do their best corpse pose for nine straight innings.

Sun, 7/30, Braves, 1:35 p.m.

Community Energy Phanatic Solar Bobble Body; Phillies Charities Auction

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Fans 14 and under get a Phanatic bobble body, which is like a bobble head except the…body…bobbles. It’s not great, but everyone loves the Phanatic. Plus there’s tons of other Phillies memorabilia to check on at this late-July Sunday afternoon of division-rival baseball.

Fri, 7/7, Padres, 6:35 p.m.

XFINITY Fireworks Show #2; 1980s Retro Night

All fans in attendance get to stick around to see fireworks after the Phillies play the Padres. Also, it’s ‘80s night, and the first 1,000 fans who sign up using the code RETRO get a Sarge shirt with their ticket. Teams will wear their old 1983 unis and the scoreboard will be full of ‘80s references. If there’s not a shot of Tommy Joseph and Maikel Franco as Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas-era Crockett and Tubbs, I’ll never go to another game ever again.

YouTube video

Why isn’t this game higher? Because you can still see the fireworks from the parking lot without having to go to the game, and also the Fourth of July is over by then. Who wants to see more fireworks on the seventh?

Thu, 7/6, Pirates, 6:05 p.m.

XFINITY Fireworks Show #1; #TBT Emoji Shirt

See above in terms of post-4th fireworks displays when the city is already having five shows the week leading up to this night. How many fireworks does a city need, really? And while the #TBT shirts are awesome, they’ve been offered a lot.

Tue, 7/25, Astros, 7:05 p.m.

Christmas in July

Credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

The snowball jokes write themselves.

Fans get a fleece blanket and a discounted ticket. But not all fans! Only those 2,000 who believe in the miracle (and discount code) of CHRISTMAS.

Wed, 7/5, Pirates, 7:05 p.m.

You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown 50th Anniversary Night

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Charlie Brown was probably from Philly: A lovable but consistent loser.

To celebrate the 50th anniversary of “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown,” the Phils are giving away a special Charlie Brown bobblehead that’s pretty adorable. The first 3,000 fans that use the code PEANUTS get the figure and a $4 discount. Fans of the series should expect the Phillies to lose the game in demoralizing fashion, with at least one pitcher landing head over heels as a line-drive knocks him down. Good grief!

Sun, 7/23, Brewers, 1:35 p.m.

PECO Odubel Herrera Performance T-shirt

There is no description or photo of the Odubel Herrera Performance t-shirt, but if it’s anything like Odubel Herrera’s actual performance, expect it to only perform part of the time before getting put on the shelf for a while.

Fri, 7/28, Braves, 7:05 p.m.

Fiat Italian Heritage Celebration

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These heritage celebrations always straddle the line between celebration and mockery. If the Phanatic comes out with a giant pizza, we’ll know which way they took this one.

The first 2,000 fans to get a ticket with the code ITALY get a Phillies hat that’s green with green, white and red brim. It’s awful, but people will love it, surely.

Sat, 7/29, Braves, 7:05 p.m.

Hunter Hayes Postgame Concert

Hunter Hayes is a country singer who can apparently play like 50 different instruments and a few years ago had a hit record that launched him to huge success, playing with Stevie Wonder and being nominated for multiple awards.

Then his second album kind of tanked. So he’s back with a song! Yes, one song! He’ll probably perform that and other songs for Phillies fans this month.

YouTube video

Mon, 7/24, Astros, 7:05 p.m.

Billy Joel Night; In the Biz Night

Credit: Phillies

This would be higher on the list if Billy Joel were actually performing after the game. Or the national anthem. Or if he wasn’t a Mets fan.

Alas, people in Philly love him and he’s sold out a ton of concerts so the Phillies made a bobblehead of him. They’re offering 3,000 of these, but only 1,000 camo hats for veterans. Cool.

That’s also In the Biz Night, which doesn’t mean show biz, it means the hospitality biz. Come all ye concierges, the Phillies have $8 discounts and mints on your pillows.

Fri, 7/21, Brewers, 7:05 p.m.

Friday #PhilliesSocial

This is limited to just 200 people. #Cool.

Wed, 7/26, Astros, 7:05 p.m.

There’s nothing to give on July 26th other than a bad baseball team playing against a really, really good baseball team.

Mon, 7/31, Braves, 12:35 p.m.

Nemours Kids Run the Bases; Summer Camp Day

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The only thing worse than getting nothing at a July Phillies game? Going to a “Business Persons Special” that’s also on Summer Camp Day.

Thousands of little kids chaperoned by a bunch of slightly older kids and college students who would rather be down the shore? That sounds awful.