Father’s day is only a few days away, which is something almost everyone reading this totally forgot until seeing the headline; odd because many of us are fathers and/or sons ourselves and didn’t even remember to buy a gift for dear old dad and/or offer suggestions so your kids don’t come home with a stray dog and tell you they got it for you.
“Happy Father’s Day, dad. Can we keep him? Please can we keep him?”
Yes, Father’s Day — the brunch-heavy date on the calendar that only exists so women can make men feel guilty for not doing enough each Mother’s Day — is this weekend. And you forgot to get a gift. Here are some last minute* gift ideas for your Philly sports fan dad.
(* – There is no guarantee any of these gifts will arrive in time for Father’s Day, even with exorbitant prices for expedited shipping. But it’s the thought that counts, so buy something on the list then print this and let dad read it so when you forget to give him the gift once it arrives in the mail in a week and decide just to give it to him for his birthday or Christmas he can remember how thoughtful you are.)
Phillies Fan Dad
Does your dad enjoy the finer things in life? What about a bunch of useless stuff that costs a ton of money that he can show off to his friends once a year before putting back in sealed box so the air doesn’t ruin its value? Well these ideas are for him!
How about this game-worn Pete Rose full uniform, in powder blue? It’s only $7,500 on eBay! And for another $2,500 I’d bet you can get Rose himself to squeeze into it for family parties.
Or this Mike Schmidt autographed bat from 1976, listing on eBay for $4,500. It’s practically a steal.
(Actually, this gift idea was only included because someone has the audacity to charge nearly $5,000 for a baseball bat and can’t tack on free shipping? Seriously, $30 shipping? Ridiculous.)
Is your dad a fan of older Phillies history? What about this Chuck Klein autographed baseball, on sale for just $4796, down from nearly $6,000? They’re practically giving it away! Plus, shipping is free!
Does your dad like paintings? What about super expensive paintings? What about super expensive paintings that look like they aren’t super expensive paintings because they’re just a Phillies logo on three canvases that you could have made yourself at camp when you were a kid if you only had a large stencil and some acrylics?
Yes? Well you’re in luck, because notable Philly-bred pop artist John Stango did just that, and you can buy it for dad for just $2,495!
Okay, enough of the ridiculous gifts for Phillies fans. What about gifts your dad would actually love? (Note to my kids: read the next one.)
Did you know MLB has an official sock? The Stance sock company has an exclusive deal with Major League Baseball, which grants them the ability to make these amazing socks with Veterans Stadium printed on them.
The only thing wrong with these socks is that the photo of the Vet came in the later years after they decided to paint all the seats blue. If you’re going to create a nostalgic sock for fans of the Vet, go with an old multi-colored seating chart.
Socks not your dad’s thing? What about ties? Every dad loves getting ties on Father’s Day, especially in 2016 when almost nobody wears ties to work anymore. So what about splurging the eight bucks to get dad this monstrosity?
Does your dad have a cool car, like a shiny silver Corvette? Why not get him this awesome Phanatic bumper sticker! He’d probably love it if you surprised him by putting it on for him too.
As we were compiling this list I received an email from the Phillies with an actual Father’s Day offer: the Fightin’ Phils Fan Club, which comes with two tickets to a home game, MLB.com Gameday Audio for your computer and a bunch of other deals and coupons for just…$25.
How is that even possible? Happy Father’s Day, dad. This is what you are getting from the kids.
Eagles Fan Dad
Is your dad a fan of autographed stuff that he didn’t get autographed himself and, instead, just purchased from a company that sells memorabilia in bulk? Well the Eagles have some great deals for you!
How about this Carson Wentz autographed helmet for just $530?
Or, how about this Carson Wentz autographed helmet, with the silly “Fly Eagles Fly” marketing slogan, for $20 more?
Is anyone actually paying more money for that version? If you would, please reach out and let us know.
For those autograph seekers not looking to break the bank for dear old dad, what about this Chuck Bednarik autographed Hall of Fame card?
It’s not worth much, but for $40 it’s not a bad gift for a guy who likes to remember when the Eagles actually won things.
Is your dad a fan of the outdoors? What about scaring the neighbors? Then this Resin Face Tree Ornament is perfect for him. It only costs $24.99 and all of your nightmares.
You could go and splurge on a jersey for dad this year, as the team has locked up a few key players for multiple years, including Fletcher Cox and rookie Carson Wentz. You can get the jersey in time for Father’s Day with free shipping if you spend enough at the Eagles shop, or go to one of the local stores selling official merch.
And somehow the Cox jersey is on sale, which makes no sense because how are they going to pay all the money they just agreed to give him if his jersey is already on sale? They should charge more for that thing. Alas, get it while you can.
Sixers Fan Dad
Let’s be honest, it’s an odd time to be a Sixers fan. It’s hard to know who will even be on the team in the next two years, so purchasing a Sixers jersey is foolish. What about this amazing shirt, because who wouldn’t want to spend $65 on a Sixers hoodie that has #1 dad on the back?
Update: this item was available on Tuesday but is now out of stock. This is not a joke.
So what about this, for the Sixers fan who may not want everyone to know he’s a Sixers fan? Tell me your dad wouldn’t love a $47 blue belt with a Sixers buckle he could easily cover by un-tucking his shirt when fans of other more successful NBA teams come around. It also comes in red!
How can you afford not to buy that for dad?
Flyers Fan Dad
There are only two gift options for the Flyers Fan Dad who has everything. One is the coolest gift you could get him, and one is the absolute freaking worst. It’s up to you to decide which is which.
First, your dad may love this Reebok “Ghost Bear” t-shirt for which the description on the NHL shop site reads: Start a new fashion trend with this exclusive Philadelphia Flyers Shayne Gostisbehere Emoji T-shirt from Reebok. You’ll love sporting this tee, which features authentic Philadelphia Flyers colors and graphics that will instantly up your cred!
Happy Father’s Dad, pop. I just upped your cred.
Or what about this giant Man Cave sign?
It measures six inches tall by 36 inches wide, guaranteeing that nobody will miss what type of cave they just walked into in dad’s house. Oh, and per the description, it’s ready to hang! Just like dad will be in his awesome man cave, I bet.
Union Fan Dad
Does your dad like to drink out of comically large containers? Is he, perhaps, hosting a soccer-themed jug band jamboree? Get him this 64 oz. Snake Logo Growler. It’s just $20 and you can get it in time for the weekend. No, it does not come filled with beer, but have fun explaining that to dad when he thinks you drank it for him.
Or how about this unnecessarily aggressive JOIN OR DIE t-shirt, a reference to the old Ben Franklin political cartoon that, when put out of context on a soccer shirt, seems odd. Oh, and the shirt is made of 100% polyester, which maybe explains why your dad is suddenly so angry at those who won’t join.
Or, how about this car magnet set?
I’ve looked at this for about 30 minutes, and I’ve come up with every way to break apart the word PHILADELPHIA and never, ever, is that it.
All awful, but all better than what they put on that magnet.
Front-Running Philly Fan Dad
With all those (ahem) great ideas for dad, there is only one idea for the front-running Philly sports dad. Is there any other option this year?