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Fellow Philadelphians, we come bearing good news. Although the 2020 presidential campaign season has already begun, we won’t have to worry about the nomination process causing havoc in our city.
We took one for the team back in 2016, welcoming politicians and spectators from around the country for the Democratic National Convention. Out-of-towners flocked to our fine metropolis, giving us a bunch of traffic — and a pass for next time. Instead, the nation’s gaze will land on Milwaukee, the midwestern city that’s been chosen as host this time around.
Philly’s got experience with this sort of thing. Not only did we do the DNC in 2016, we also hosted its Republican counterpart at the beginning of the millennium.
Milwaukee is pretty different from Philadelphia. You’ve got about a third of our population. You get about three times as much snow as we do. You’re nestled on the shore of Lake Michigan, instead of balanced between two rivers. But in this trying time for our cross-country friend, we thought it time to focus on what brings us together — the shared misery of a Democratic party invasion.
So for all the Milwaukeeans out there, we put together a few hot tips. Here’s what to expect when the DNC comes to town.
A ride-share influx like no other
Oh, dear Wisconsonian friends. We see you’ve already made plans to up your public transit game to help accommodate DNC-goers next summer. That’s cute.
Truth: The convenience of your city’s transportation system will not make a darn bit of difference. Even if the convention is just a six minute walk from the subway, ahem, you’ll find most out-of-town delegates waiting a half hour for a Lyft, and paying guaranteed triple-surge prices.
If you need a laugh at the end of your 12-hour days, watch each of them wait in the exact same spot after speeches end and inevitably stumble into each others’ arriving Honda Civics.
Bernie bros as far as the eye can see
Perhaps, America, you thought you had escaped the Sanders throngs after the 2016 Democratic National Convention. You thought wrong.
You can’t escape the inescapable — and Bernie supporters appear to fall into that category. The 77-year-old Vermont senator has his eye on the presidency once again, and the sting of superdelegates snatching the nomination for Hillary Clinton doesn’t seem to have faded.
Win or lose, there will be protests. There will be tears. We recommend fencing.
More business… everywhere
There’s one inarguable benefit to this whole thing: Your local businesses will make a bunch of money.
We know from experience. Entrepreneurs in nearly every field will see an influx in customers when thousands of Democrats flood your city. Anyone and everyone has the opportunity to make a buck, including:
Donkeys… also everywhere
When the national political convention came to Philly, local artists stepped up to the plate and decorated the entire city with donkeys. Each one repped a different U.S. state or territory, and they were everywhere.
Littered around the city, the donkeys called home popular locales like the Art Museum, City Hall and Rittenhouse Square. Even the Union League boasted one. The mules were cute, and they showcased Philly’s pride in its vibrant arts scene.
But let me tell you, tourists can not be trusted around art.
Celebrity sightings entirely unrelated to politics
Selfie opportunities will abound — and not just with the expected crew of well-known politicians.
Hollywood famously backs Dem candidates, and in July 2016, Philadelphia saw a whole collection of stars, from movies on down.
Susan Sarandon, Debra Messing, Jerry Springer. There was Dean Norris (Hank from Breaking Bad). There was Sophia Bush and Katy Perry. Even Franco Harris, who played in four Super Bowls and helped the Steelers win their first-ever league title.
A lot of whining
Who knew Democrats were such complainers? Before, during and after the big event, Philly visitors took to social media to complain about everything from traffic to the venue’s proximity to Center City.
Haters gonna hate. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Moral of the story: Avoid everything
Here’s the tea, folks: the DNC is exhausting. We assume that to be true even for cities less grouchy than Philly. Don’t be afraid to call in sick from work and hole up inside for the entire week.
After all, as Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said, “The best day was when they all went home.”
