Halloween is approaching, which means it’s time for Billy Penn’s annual guide for spooky season procrastinators, where we offer the disorganized costume suggestions that you can throw together pretty easily on short notice.
As with previous years, the offerings are very Philly and pulled from the year’s more memorable storylines, so hopefully you won’t have to do too much explaining. We’ve kept the designs as simple as possible, made from things you either already have sitting around your home or could buy/make for a couple of bucks.
So here are our last-minute costume ideas, modeled for you by members of the Billy Penn team.
Jason Kelce’s “retirement”
We sure have seen a lot of Jason Kelce since he gave his heartfelt retirement speech from the Eagles. The former Birds center has kept busy with so much TV punditry, podcasting and endorsement deals that he seems arguably busier now that he was in his playing days.
How to do it
Put on a green tracksuit, or green jacket and pants you can find to match the velour “South Philly tuxedo” Kelce wore on his Philly return with Monday Night Football. Don’t worry too much about getting it to match because you’re going to stick on as many printed-out logos as you can of:
- Kelce’s New Heights podcast with brother Travis, which signed a $100 million deal with Amazon’s Wondery
- The brother’s “Kelce Mix” cereal, which combines General Mills staples Reese’s Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms
- Underdog Apparel, the clothing brand he founded
- Any version of the Philly Special Christmas albums
- ESPN and Monday Night Football
- Old Spice Deodorant
- Campbell’s Chunky Soup
- Buffalo Wild Wings
- Tide
Maybe add on a beard?
The SS U.S. with an eviction notice
The rusting ocean liner was given its notice to leave in 2022 after failing to keep up its rent, but still remains docked across from Ikea, where it has been for the past 27 years. Before the once-fastest ship in the world pushes off to Okaloosa County, Fla., to become an artificial reef, let’s pay tribute to its lengthy and contentious limbo on Philly’s riverfront.
How to do it
The internet has some helpful tutorials on how to do this, but this is how we did it. You’ll need a couple cardboard boxes for this, with at least one wide enough to fit yourself in. Trace a ship outline around the top of the main large box that will fit around you and cut out the top, then cut a hole in the middle that you can fit into. Trace a ship’s “bow” on the front underside of the box, cut out the excess bottom part of the box. Cut the front of the ship somewhere a little off the middle, then line the two sides up with the bottom part, taping them together. Make some small holes in the side and use string to fashion some arm straps.
Use a smaller box and cut out a hole for your head (maybe wear a hat to keep it snug) and add two card tubes to make smokestacks. Print out a simple eviction notice to go with it. Maybe add a coat of paint, but not too clean. Don’t want to make the ship look too new.
We promise, this is only one we got a little carried away putting together.
Pa. the swing state
In case you haven’t been watching the news, seeing the attack ads or getting the mountain of campaign mailers, there’s an election this November and Pennsylvania is largely seen as the most consequential state in the presidential contest. Where Pa. goes, the nation follows. For one Halloween night, let’s forget the potential ramifications we have on the entire nation and play with the term.
How to do it
Grab some card stock and cut out a keystone shape, then use cards or markers to put a swing set, some swing dancers, or whatever other definition of the word you think you can visually represent (keep it PG-13, please). You can also fashion a ballot box for your head, if you want to remind your friends to vote on Nov. 5.
Billboard Dave
Back in July, a West Philly man put himself out on the city’s dating market, by renting a billboard with his info and photos of himself and his adorable cat Peach. It made news beyond Philadelphia and landed Dave a few dates, so maybe it can be a good romantic conversation starter for you, too!
How to do it
Grab two pieces of large canvas, cardboard,or whatever will make a comfortable walking sandwich board for you. Get the largest color print out of a photo of Dave’s billboard and fix it onto the two boards. Easy, peach-y.
Graffiti Pier
July saw a portion of Graffiti Pier collapse into the Delaware River, leaving the park, and development of the area, in limbo.
How to do it
Get two equally sized boxes that can fit around you. Cut out holes in the bottom and top of one so you can step into it and wear it on your midsection, then make some small holes in the side that you can put string through for arm holes. Attach the other box onto the front of the box you’re in, using tape, velcro, or whatever can be easily detached from the box you’re in to sell the effect of crumbling, collapsing, abandoned infrastructure.
Now, the artistic part. Graffiti the exterior of the boxes to make it look like Graffiti Pier. We got some help by leaving it and some markers in a high-traffic area of WHYY’s Philly offices. Maybe add some yellow caution tape and a ghost where the fallen part of the pier once was for an extra surprise.
Herr’s battle of the chips
Herr’s annual “Flavored by Philly” contest gave us three new chips paying tribute to the city’s favorite small business restaurants — Potato Pierogi, inspired by Mom Mom’s Kitchen; Cheese Ravioli and Marinara, based on Talluto’s; and the winning chip, Special Hot Stromboli, inspired by Romano’s Stromboli.
How to do it
Grab all three bags of the chips (if they’re out of stock, you can find and print them through Google Image search) and stick them onto some card which you can hang around your neck.
